By Chet Clem
Humor Columnist

So far this semester I’ve showered with six different girls. Occasionally I shower with guys, too. It doesn’t really matter, I’m an open person. It’s something I like to bring up with relatives when they ask how school is going. Usually it’s an awkward end to the conversation.

Whenever I need to shower there’s occasionally a girl there to join me. It’s gotten to the point where it isn’t even a big deal; it’s just expected. It’s nice to have a shower partner. We bathe, we chat, sometimes we even share soap. Life is different when you have coed bathrooms.

Someone left a Cosmo in there last week. I admit, I read it. I even took the quiz. It was helpful. I never knew what kind of girlfriend I was. The bathroom reading material has never been better. Well, OK, Ladd Library may have the better selection, but the librarians give you odd looks if you carry a copy of “The Sexual Politics of Meat: A Feminist-Vegetarian Critical Theory” into the bathroom. Yes, that book exists. No, it isn’t good. Apparently, witnessing the untimely shooting death of your childhood pony can lead to Feminist-Vegetarianism. Luckily, I never had a pony.

I’m going to go ahead and bust a common myth right now. An urban legend, if you will. Something that has bewildered the greatest minds of our time. Here it is: girls poop. It’s true. It happens all the time. It’s like a fart when you’re wearing headphones: you don’t necessarily hear about it, but you know it’s going on.

Here’s the problem, I’m not sure of the etiquette for coed bathrooms. Am I no longer allowed to fart in the bathroom? This is a tough question, so I thought I’d do some research to find out how others feel.

“Sometimes I get stage fright when there is a guy in there and I can’t pee,” said Maggie Smith. “Yeah, if there’s a guy in there I won’t go number two,” added Sarah Amsbary.

But it’s not just the girls who have problems with it.

“I went to the bathroom to poop and this girl followed me in and pees next to me,” said Machias Schoen. “I felt scared, my cheeks were clenched.”

And then there is the shower scene. How do people feel about showering next to members of the opposite sex, separated only by a plastic divider?

“I’m pretty tall, it’s a good thing,” said John Phalen. I don’t know about you, but I will no longer be showering with Mr. Phalen.

Bates students don’t seem to have any real problems with coed bathrooms, but what about the rest of the world? Remember, that thing that exists outside of Bates?

Living right next to the bathroom on my hall this year has put me in a prime position to catch the horrified looks on fathers’ faces when they realize the conditions of their daughters’ dorm lives. Even my dad thinks that this is an awkward situation. Apparently in his college days they had separate bathrooms for men and women, and bathed alone. Uphill, both ways, oftentimes in the snow.

Here’s the thing. There are people out there who are honestly upset about coed bathrooms. In an article published by The Liberation Journal, Gregory Flanagan wrote: “The androgynists are using kids as guinea pigs in an experiment to deny nature, to show that they can put young men and women together in the same dorm and even the same bathrooms as if sex differences don’t exist and as if sexual attraction can be turned off at their command. The result is a breakdown in respect for the integrity and privacy of both sexes, it particularly infringes on the privacy and comfort of girls and it undermines morality as casual sexual encounters.”

In his article, Flanagan quoted a female student from Colby College, who so eloquently stated, “Guys are just gross. Like it’s almost as if they’re our brothers, which is not a good thing.”

Like, is it really such a big problem for people? Like, really?
While some people may see coed bathrooms as a liberal idea, it could be just the beginning. In March of 2000, coed dorm rooms were approved at Haverford College. And who was the Provost of Haverford at the time? Elaine...Tuttle...Hansen.

Could we see the same thing at Bates in the future? Only time will tell. And when time does tell, it will probably send out an email about it. Either that, or have its secretary do it.
I’m going to miss college, I can tell you that already. Rarely in the real world do attractive women stand around talking in towels. Unless, of course, it’s The Real World, in which case they all start to make out, break up with their long-distance boyfriends, and denounce Mormonism.

Alright, I gotta run. Someone is waiting for me in the bathroom. Maybe there will be a wardrobe malfunction.

One can only dream.





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