By JOHN CONNORS
Forum Editor
 

So if we feel guilty, even if it's only a little, why are men involved? What is it that tells men they have the right, or the responsibility, or the need, to grapple with an issue that is so firmly entrenched in our minds (right or wrong) as a female one? When I asked Jeff Carpenter (`02) if he was comfortable telling me why he's involved with the issue of rape he replied, "I find the thought horrifying of a woman being scared of me, or a person like me. -That they would have to live with any type of fear where I could do something about it."

When I asked Gavin McDonald(`99) the same thing, he said; "It's time for men to be held accountable. It's time that there are men who consider it their obligation. We should go to the root of the problem-which is us. We should be able to say to women: Without me, you wouldn't have an issue-I am the reason your issue exists, and I can look at this from a different perspective with the people causing those assaults."

If you look closely at the answers of these and other men who have thought hard about sexual assault, and are comfortable enough to talk about it, there are usually three common factors in their replies about why their involved. First, there is an inherant feeling of responsibility for this crime that they (I assume) have not committed. Second, I hear men trying to identify with women's fears, and their becoming surprised and disturbed with the oppressive nature of these fears when they do try and imagine them.

But the third thing that is usually in their replies is a deep-seated frustration. They are unwilling to accept the status quo as set. Explicitly, their responses show me they think they should, and more importantly could, do something to stop sexual assault before it happens.

Before it happens?

We already have fantastic support organizations like S.A.R.L. and S.A.C.C. that could use even more support, and bigger numbers. These organizations, and ones like them, have a large focus on the `after' of assault, giving support to people when assault occurs. They fill the needs of people assaulted that would otherwise not be addressed as well, if at all, by the system.

But the question that still remains (that men may be in a unique position to tackle) is: do we deal with the situations and the people in such a way that we can stop sexual assault before it happens? We threaten with jail sentences, we offer condemnation of known rapists, and we all publically give tepid support for the idea of responsible sexual relationships. But what else do we do to deal with the situations, and more importantly the persons involved, before an assault happens?

It's the lack of work on the `before' of assaults that may be one of the core reasons why Bates College now has a Men Against Rape (M.A.R.) chapter. Now M.A.R. has yet to advocate a position like this, but the ex--citing possibility is that it could. Perhaps unlike any other group, Men Against Rape could address the issue of sexual assault from a male point of view, aimed towards males with the intention of dealing with this issue before it becomes a crime. Because it's men dealing with men, it dramatically changes the role of taking responsibility for rape and assault. It's one thing to try and foster a situation where men talk openly with women about this issue, and quite another when it's men engaging with them.

I've heard so little about our trying to explain the `why' part of rape -maybe because our society has been preoccupied with how, when, where, and who. But if organizations like M.A.R. are going to advocate any different and progressive action, we need to imagine why a man is going to rape or assault a woman.

This is working under the assumption that men can avoid raping and assault, -that it's not some inherent thing inside them that cannot be avoided. It may certainly be true that some men cannot avoid it, as it certainly true for the pathological rapist, but can't we try and take a stab at the men who don't fall into that category?

First we've got to assume we can affect assaults before they happen. Second we've got to assume that the kind of rape that happens here at Bates, drawing on our survivors stories as reflective of it, is mostly date and acquaintance rape by Bates College men. Lastly, we have to be willing to reach the men who could potentially commit a sexual assault, in this case, again, Bates College men, and reach out to them in some direct ways that challenge issues in their lives that contribute to creating rape situations, but that are not presently addressed.

But what does "reaching out to men" really mean? It means an organization like M.A.R. may have to approach sexual assault from an incredibly broad perspective. What we're talking about is really trying to ensure that it is an emotionally healthy man that can approach issues about everything from sex to anger, that could contribute to him assaulting someone later.

One example of misconceptions we need to work with exists in bed. For most men, I think going to bed with a woman has a gigantic suitcase full of issues attached to it. Yes, it is a lot more than just getting laid, although what I'm talking about isn't the cliched `sensitive side' of men. The bravado in us will deny to anyone the issues we have with ourselves and sex, claiming a cool understanding, a mastering if you will, of just how to ask someone to and make love with someone in bed. But let's be serious. No one is born with that veteran knowledge, and how many really have had the chance to become the James Bond of sex?

We have our egos way out on the ledge of sexual performance. WAY out. Not to say women don't too, because of course they do, but I'll wager it's not the same thing. Men do not seem to often deal explicitly, or consciously, with trying to understand their own sexual ego beyond superficial assumptions. I don't have any idea if the same is true for women. However, the extent to which this is true is something I think many women do not know about men, let alone understand and can therefore forgive. No, just because we're in college, just because we've gotten accolades in other situations, just because we were smooth enough to charm you into wanting us, does not mean we have the confidence or knowledge you may assume we do about our own sexual ego.

But we feel it's expected of us by women and by each other. Can we talk about it? Of course not. We're men, people who often deny emotion and rarely admit to what we may build up in our minds as a `weakness.' Now add to that pressure the nervousness of any sexual encounter. Also add the impact of drinking; sometimes a lot, often far too much. Finally add the fact that a woman involved may have absolutely, through no fault of her own, any idea of the the situation in her male counterpart's mind. The result may be that you have one hell of a bad male mind set to carry into bed with, one that can certainly contribute to a situation involving rape.

Now in no way are these acceptable excuses for raping a person. These are not meant to be excuses or complete `explanations' for why a man assaults someone. But they're important if we're serious about understanding how to address sexual assault before it happens, and helping men avoid mind sets that I think aid these situations. Reading a partner is another one of those fuzzy areas both sexes fail terribly with. Neither gender seems to be able to consistently understand body language, vocal changes, or any of the other often subtle indicators that give the warning to a lover that it's gone too far.

Gavin said; "What can we do? You can define what is unacceptable to men in single, definite terms. If you let them know beforehand using unwavering boundaries it will help. That means if you ask her and she says no and then laughs, that means you need to stop and ask again, you need to SAY something definite, and get just as definate a response from her."

These are not issues that I hear being dealt with in any circle. But these the are issues that M.A.R. could potentially try to grapple with. To do that would be a huge undertaking, because essentially it's asking this group to try and shore up, reexamine, and then rebuild men's ideas about relationships, sex, expectations, performance, and respect. It may be too much to ask of one organization. But if we're serious about reducing the number of sexual assaults that occur at Bates, and assuming that I'm not completely off base with male issues, we've got to address the issue before it happens.