By NILS VAN OTTERLOO
Staff Writer
 

In these days of rampant crackdowns by liquor-law enforcement officials, Cold Drink! offers salvation for those afflicted with the no-booze-blues. Allegedly, Cold Drink! has been known to cure various afflictions including: arthritis, rheumatism, the shakes, and the dreaded bump. It acts as an effective pick-me-up for those with various depressive disorders ranging from mild anhedonia to the all encompasing, all powerful IT. It also serves as a convenient floor wax/buff/shine emolient for the inevitable after-party-cleanup-chore. Yes, if you got Cold Drink!, you gettin' Cold Cocked tonight.

The proto-genesis of the Cold Drink! phenom is murky. It arrived on the Bates campus through Cold Drink! Hall of Famer and WRBC personality Keith Gauger. According to him, the vestments of Cold Drink! were bestowed upon him by one "Greg," a particularly seedy and disingenuous character from Gettysburg University, which this reporter had the misfortune to make aquaintance with this summer.

Gauger, who is naturally reticent, and especially so concerning what could become the most erumpent party accoutrement in living Bates history, had this statement to make about the nature of Cold Drink!, "Cold Drink! is a beverage which is equal parts cold and equal parts drink."

As if that were the half of it!

A few helpful metaphors to engage your salivary and pituitary party glands:

Cold Drink! is cold like a fire hydrant in a Lewiston Blizzard.

Cold Drink! is orange like those vests road-crew people wear.

Cold Drink! is krazzappy like Rokit Fuel Malt Liquor.

Cold Drink! be like a groovin citroid in a mountain of mouth waterin malt milkdiscopop!

There is truly no way to sum up the qualities which make that which it is what it is, but the aesthetic experience derived from a Cold Drink! can be likened to a postmodern found-art object: You may not know what it is, what it's comprised of, nor even be able to wrap your conceptual understanding around its very name after only two or three of them, but you will be imgrooved by it.

To get you informed as to what I mean by "Postmodern Drinking Experience," allow me to describe Cold Drink!'s presentation values.

Cold Drink!, when properly served by someone bestowed with the vestments of Cold Drink!, comes in a standard issue McDonald's(TM) portable 10gallon juice container with spigot. It must be served in accompanying McDonald's(TM) cups for full postmodern effect to be achieved. Cold Drink!, when in full regalia, looks and tastes every bit as much like McDonald's(TM) orange-drink which you knew and loved as a child.

But now you're a grownup, right? A grownup with grownup tastes and responsibilities. So what are you gonna drink tonight, Mr. Harvey Wallbanger? Cold Drink! is the only name in alcohol imbibatory pleasure you need to know.

Mr. Gauger, in collusion with the friendly people over in McDonald's(TM) management, is making plans to franchise this new concept in party accoutrement to qualified, inspired boozers at campuses country-wide.

Those interested should inquire to Mr. Gauger, replete with physical fitness report and an essay of no more than 10 words saying why you feel you have the right stuff to bear the torch of Cold Drink! (illegibility counts; oh, and no modifiers of any sort. Offer does not apply to Benjamin Mini, as we can't be losing our best customer).

So let the call ring out to campuses far and wide: Cold Drink! is here to relieve the oppressed under-aged masses! Vivre le Boive Froide!