Bates    Hillel           

Joke of the week...month...or maybe next time I update it!

A man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear.
Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying. The man thinks to himself "how lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear!
We're mishpocheh - I'm saved!"
And then he listens more carefully to the bear's prayer "hamotzi lechem minhaaretz"

A GEORGE W. BUSH Jr. JOKE
George W. Bush Jr., in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George Bush approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

The man ignored George B. and stared at the ceiling.

George Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George B. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert".

SHORT SUMMARY OF EVERY JEWISH HOLIDAY
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat.

THREE MEN
Three men are discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

The Jew says, "I covered my wife's body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"

He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

What's in a Name
An American Indian comes back to the Reservation to visit with his parents after spending some time in New York. He says to his father that he's fallen in love with a nice Jewish girl. His father is mortified and says " You're betraying your heritage and you'll break your mother's heart that you're not marrying a nice Indian girl. You know how Jews are, they'll feel the same way and you'll be ostracized in both camps." The son reassures his father, "Don't worry. They must have already accepted the situation because they have already given their daughter an Indian name." "Really?" says the father. "What name?" The son answers, "Sitting Shiva."

Why G-d Never Received Tenure at Any University
He had only one major publication.
It was in Hebrew; had no references; wasn't published in an academic journal; and some doubt he wrote it himself.

·        He may have created the world, but what has he done since?

·        The scientific community cannot replicate his results.

·        He never received permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.

·        When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

·        He rarely came to class; telling the students to, "Read the book."

·        Some say he had his son teach the class.

·        He expelled his first two students.

·        His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountain top.

·        Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed.

All In A Day's Work
Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, " You know my son, he graduated fist in his class from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago"
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles." The last woman says, " you know my son, he never did too well is school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars a Year in New York working as a sports repairman" The other two women ask "Vos is a sports repairman?" The Bubbe replies, "He fixes hockey games, football games, baseball games,...."

Ouch!
Q. What is the difference between heroin and Abraham?

A. One is the juice of the poppy; the other is the Poppy of the Jews.

Chinese Food
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing.

The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."

The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied.

"Where did your people eat for a thousand years?