“What are you, some kind of faggot?”
The officer looked at me, and with a stern eye said “What are you some kind of faggot?” and regardless of whether or not it was a good idea, I looked at him and said “Why, you wanna date?” Being in Jail is really a microcosm of actual society. All the guards seem to be very straight, muscle-laden, and confrontational to anyone who makes themselves vulnerable whether about their sexuality or anything else. I wasn’t going to be apologetic to this officer or anyone ever about who I choose to love.
Since I was a senior in high school, inside I could tell that my desires were not completely the same as others guys about my age. I say “not completely” because I have dated, date, have crushes on, and am sexually attracted to women just like the rest of my testosterone-laden peers, but what they didn’t know was that I felt the same way about men. It was hard for me to act on this desire, because I didn’t understand it, but over time it has been easier for me to understand. Don’t get me wrong, but I have never liked the word bisexual. There are not only two sexes and I refuse to let some fascist standard of my sexuality be imposed on me from above by someone who knows nothing of my inner desires! I am queer through and through! My sexuality is not a stagnant creature like a fat uncle who sits and drinks beer on the couch all day; my sexuality and my desires are constantly changing just like myself! I am not attracted to people solely based upon their physical appearance (Ok, so that’s not always true, but hey we’re all human), but their personality, and all the things that really matter. A friend told me this summer he hates being called homosexual, because it implies that he is only a sexual being, thereby trivializing his relationships and desires as only sexual. I feel the same way. This being said, I like to get freaky (oh yeah I said it), but that does not dictate who I am. I have desires and struggles just like every hetero oriented person in this world. So now that that’s out of the way………………..
I have never really felt part of either the straight or the gay community in my life. I’m too “gay” to be considered straight by most, and not super attractive enough to fit into the glamorous role that I feel that many gay/queer men relegate themselves to, or are forced to identify with because that is the only vision of a gay/queer person that our majority white, middle class, straight oriented society wants to accept. Now, for some this is how they identify, and to that, I say WONDERFUL! Accept that, and I wish you a full and happy life, but it’s not for me! I am ugly, hairy, wear horribly unfashionable clothes, don’t listen to Cher or Abba (sorry anyone who does), and am pissed off! Not to get too heavy, but the heterosexist society that we find ourselves in makes it very hard for queer youth to find comfort. Everywhere they turn they either see happy straight couples, mothers and fathers, and people denying that they as the “heathens” don’t have basic human rights (hospital visitation of partners, adoption rights of children in the case of a death of their partner, etc….). Maybe this is why suicide among queer youth is so prevalent……I have been lucky enough to find people who accept me, but it is not this way for everyone. Some only find cold faces, closed hands and turned backs, and this is a tragedy I find appalling!
So, when I found myself in a similar situation and someone asked me walking down the street if I was queer, I didn’t just say yes, I said “HELL YEAH! AND BY THE WAY: 10% IS NOT ENOUGH, RECRUIT, RECRUIT, RECRUIT!!”~ Student ‘06
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