Memory of A
Some years ago in March, one of my senior students, A, came to see me in my office, asking me to help him. He said he had to work on campus because his parents had stopped sending him money. Since his work schedule conflicted with the class schedule, he asked me if he could make up for the classes he missed. Then, he told me his story.
He was gay, but he had not come out to his parents until then. He was his parents’ favorite son, especially because his older brother was upsetting his parents. A did not want to disappoint his parents because of his homosexuality. However, his mother, who had a feeling that he had been hiding something, picked up clues from his words, and assumed he was gay. Naturally, his father knew about his sexual orientation and offered to continue his financial support if A would come home after his graduation. A was not a U.S. citizen and there was a military obligation in his home country. He did not want to work in the military and hoped to work in the U.S. after his graduation. On the other hand, his father thought the military would be able to change his sexual orientation, while his mother thought his homosexuality was due to mistakes she had made raising him. A told his parents that his homosexuality was not a result of the way his mother raised him and that the military would not help him change. He tried to tell them that being gay was natural and normal. But they did not agree with him. He refused to go back home and found a part-time job on campus.
At that point, I did not know very much about sexual minority issues, but I told him I would like to help him in any way that I could, including making up his classes. He started working and sometimes missed his regular classes. However, he did not come to make them up very often. His final grade was low, and he was disappointed. It seemed that, to him, “helping” meant to give him a good grade. I felt bad and talked with one of my friends. She said that I did the right thing.
We talked before I left for Japan that spring. He said he still talked with his mother on the phone, but not with his father. He also said his parents might not come to his graduation.
He told me that a job was offered to him, but after a while they withdrew the offer because, he thought, they found that he was gay. I was worried about him and regretted that I was not there during the short term and on graduation day. But at the same time I knew that he had friends. While I was in Japan, I sometimes thought about him.
Sometime in June, A visited Bates with his friend, R, who was also my student, and they stopped by my house. I asked him about his parents, graduation, and his job. He told me that his parents came to his graduation, and he had a job and now lived in Boston. I was so happy to hear that. After that, I have not heard anything from him, but in the past few years, I have worked on sexual minority issues in education and have learned very much about them. Nowadays I am more sensitive to the sexual minority issues in my classes. I sometimes remember A and hope he is well and happy.~ Faculty
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