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coming out anthology 2006


Questions and Confusion

Around November or December of 2003 this is how I was thinking.  The only things changed in this rant are spelling mistakes (and one clarification).  I have included it to let others who might be thinking similarly know that others have gone through it.  I don’t know how, but my panic passed.

This is how it is:
I think I am bisexual, but society and my mom have told me repeatedly that it doesn’t exist and I believe them sometimes.  Then I think about how happy girls make me.  So I think that I must be bisexual.  So I decide to go after a girl.  How the fuck do I do that?  Is flirting with a girl the same as flirting with a boy?  It can’t be.  So how do I go about doing this.  How do I know if she even likes girls.  So maybe I should talk to a lesbian or bisexual individual.  Unfortunately I do not know any.  Also I don’t want to start asking those types of questions for fear that I would sound un PC or offensive.
Also:  if you define sexuality as action I am not bi I am straight.
I don’t want to go around saying that I am bi for a whole bunch of reasons.
1) I don’t want people to think that I’m just trying to get some or to look more attractive to guys, or be more alternative.
2) What if it turns out that I am not.  Then I will look like a liar
3) Other problems are the fact that I’ve gotten the idea in my mind that lesbians and bi’s don’t mix especially when one is questioning.  They are looking for relationship and the if-y bi’s can’t promise that.  The bi might always leave her for a dude.
I don’t want to be seen as a slut
I want to have a relationship with a girl, so badly, but I don’t know how to go about doing it.  Part of me wants a mentor but that would be weird and it would seem like I’m forcing it so it must not be my natural sexuality.
So my other option is to figure it out with someone else that is questioning.  Alright
all you questioners out there, come talk to me.  We’ll see if we like and trust each other enough to figure this shit out.
Or I can stoop to the lowest possible state and try to hook up with some drunk girl.  I can’t believe I even put that in writing.
All my straight friends make me feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Good Lord I want this to end.  I just want to know.
So maybe I’m so concerned with figuring it out that I mistaking my need for an answer for an actual question.  Maybe I’ve just convinced myself I like girls so I have something to dedicate my time to.  Maybe I want a struggle so badly that I’ve decided that I am a part of this movement.  Like becoming a goth just so you feel that you have control over your alienation.  Like it is your choice.
Oh, let me know the answer.  No matter what it is, I just want to know.

- Jessie Ricker ‘07



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