SCHOOL YEARS (Middle childhood and Adolescence):
GROWING SOCIAL COMPETENCIES
- Family matters:
- Size and composition of "family" varies greatly, both within and between cultures.
"Nuclear family" = mother + father + children
Some families have multiple caregivers (incl. grandparents, aunts, etc.)
Some have an extended network of close relatives who may live nearby, get together often
- Parenting styles:
- Authoritarian: High control, little warmth, responsive mostly by more control
OUTCOME: Less happy children, usu. low self-esteem, often aggressive
- Authoritative: Moderate to high control (but much autonomy), lots of warmth, responsive, open to discussion
OUTCOME: Best-adjusted children, highest grades, friendlier, less alcohol and drugs
- Permissive: Warmth but little or no control, indulgent, "spoiling"
OUTCOME: Impulsive children (little self-control), unfocused, poor in school,
poor socially, often self-destructive behavior (drugs, alcohol, etc.)
- Uninvolved: Neither control nor warmth-- uncaring
OUTCOME: Children do poorly in school, often aggressive and other problems
- Children often adopt the same parenting stye as their own parents
- Parenting (parental behavior):
- Giving advice (direct instructions): best to give reasons, not just commands
Suggestions also OK: "I think you should..."
- Modeling desired behavior so children will imitate
Counterimitation: children see how siblings & others are punished (and when not)
- Feedback: Reinforcement (praise, rewards) works best!
Punishment needed sometimes, but not too harsh or too often;
IMPORTANT to explain WHY!
Punishment should not be physically or emotionally scarring.
Recommended: "No TV today", "Go stand in corner", "Time-out"
NEVER PUNISH age-appropriate behavior-- child won't understand
(This means: Don't punish a 4-yr old for acting like a 4-yr old, etc.)
"Negative reinforcement trap": unwittingly rewarding undesirable behavior (like whining)
- Bad habits: often learned from parents (and hard to break), so model good habits!
(Try to get rid of your bad habits before you have children.)
- Financial or job-related problems: don't take it out on the children!
- Marital conflicts-- always bad for children
- Undermine's child's feeling of security
- Distracts parents from effective parenting
- Sometimes results in child taking sides-- bad for esteem of other parent
- Good if child sees conflict resolved through discussion and reasoning
- Child's age and temperament influences parenting--
Parent learns how much autonomy child can handle (safely)
- Siblings:
- Oldest girl often becomes "mother's helper", esp. in large families
- Many siblings become life-long best friends, esp. if same sex and close in age
- Sibling rivalry and conflict: Parents can influence this (DON'T PLAY FAVORITES!)
- Parents should treat ALL of their children fairly, equally when possible, differently when warranted,
not always the same (recognize and explain that needs may differ)
- Sharing tasks (household chores, etc.) can become a family affair: who washes, dries, chops, mixes, reads road map on trips (rotate these tasks)
- Only children: generally similar to those with siblings, often do a bit better in school
- Birth order: Experts disagree on how consistent any differences are (great variation)
- First-born often do better in school, more likely to graduate college
- Later children: often more innovative and risk-taking, some are "rebellious" in life choices, often popular with peers
- Youngest ("baby of the family") often pampered and indulged
- Adoption: Can be within family, or from agency or foster program, or from foreign country
Outcome usually good if adopted soon after birth
Some children adopted older had problems before (mistreatment, neglect, etc.);
problems of this kind need close attention and may persist
Many studies show that adopted children develop as well as natural children (or better)
- Divorce (and remarriage):
- Children of divorce more often depressed or divorced themselves
- First year after a divorce is usually turbulent, disrupted. Often new financial circumstances, living arrangements, etc.
- Afterwards, children learn to adjust (but still never as secure or well-adjusted as before)
- Joint custody usually benefits children; best if both parents still involved in child's upbringing.
- VERY BAD: Making child take sides in any dispute
- In any remarriage, stepparent/stepchild relationship needs work, seldom easy, smooth
- Blended families (after remarriage with 2 sets of children):
best if parents can avoid favoritism between "my" children and "your" children
- Child maltreatment-- includes physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, psychological abuse
- Often unreported, so undercounted
- Contributing factors: poverty, job loss, isolation from neighbors, mental illness;
- --especially common if parents were themselves abused as children
- Effects long-lasting-- do poorly in school, don't control emotions well, often mental illness
Some children are resilient ("ego resilience") if mother is kind and loving.
- Friendships:
- In general, friends 1 Like each other, 2 Enjoy playing together, develop common
interests,
3 Can trust or depend on one another to be supportive,
4 (Beginning in adolescence, esp. among girls) Can share thoughts, secrets, feelings
- Friends can be good or bad influence, so teach children to choose friends carefully (stay away from any that behave badly)
- Friends are usually same-sex, often same ethnic group (esp. if they speak same language)
- Children with friends of both sexes tend to be more popular, more resilient
- Co-rumination: friends may share problems a lot. It may help work things out, but can also lead to depression.
- Groups, cliques: often characterized by exclusion of nonmembers
Share common interests (often share race and ethnicity, too, but not always)
Some have a leader or dominance hierarchy (especially gangs)
Peer pressure important in some groups (e.g., to drink, smoke)
- Popularity: others want to imitate you or join your group (more important in adolescence)
Rejection: others want to avoid you.
Rejected children are usually socially awkward,
too easily aggressive when they dislike something,
often the result of poor parenting
- IMPORTANT: Encourage children to CHOOSE THEIR FRIENDS CAREFULLY and recognize good and bad influences.
- Bullying: Hostile aggression with no purpose except intimidation
This behavior persists over time and is likely to result in crime and other problems
Victims are often "outcasts" because they are somehow different ("don't fit in")
Anti-bullying programs encourage children to protest when they see bullying activities
- TV, video games, other electronic media:
- Limited use OK if used socially (with parents involved, discussion of anything problematical)
- Not good if too much time is taken away from other things (like outdoor activities)
- Some games can teach useful skills, but not if time is taken away from other things
- Friendships can include use of social media, but not exclusively or excessively
- Problem: cyberbullying
- Parents need to monitor
- Understanding your age-peers: a very important skill-- understanding what others think
Caring what others think is good, up to a point, but not if obsessive or compulsive
Selman's stages (page 255 top) of more sophisticated perspective-taking
- Prejudice has many roots: unfamiliarity, making assumptions (generalizing or stereotyping)
Familiarity and friendship often helps overcome prejudice.
Learn to recognize prejudice in others-- try to stay away from them
Teachers can encourage mixed groups working together as a team for a common goal.
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